(Chapter 6) Navigating the Vortex: Choice, Conscience, and the Call of the Soul

In the messy middle, how do we discern between the ego's pull and our deepest truth?

Hello, my sweet friend! 👋✨

Here we’re meeting again, in the quiet eye of the storm. Uncertain terrain of the "messy middle". It's a space that's still unfolding, still breathing, and as you know, I'm choosing to share it with you in real time.

Right now, I'm in the vortex of my life, seeing the extremes of what's happening around me, and truly feeling into this dichotomy of choice.

✨👉To catch up on what’s unfolded already, check out these chapters:

The pre-story (unveiled with my 41st Birthday)
Chapters 1-4
Chapter 5

Chapter 6

The weekend before our last was an exploration of returning to something I've done before.

The question that kept surfacing was,
"Do I have a choice? Can I truly have a choice?"

All the while, my ego's voice was quite loud, insisting,
"You don't have a choice.
You must just get a job to satisfy the money, to stop the bleeding".

Yet, I've come to realize the bleeding is happening no matter what, and the more I force, the more likely that I'll probably bleed more. It feels like it would serve me at this moment to be calmer. More observing than action-taking.

And that's how I'm choosing to see it…at least right now.

Amidst this all on a Saturday, there were lovely blessings. I uncovered gift cards that I didn’t remember even existed. Then, I had a beautiful connection with a friend, exchanging kind and supportive messages about what they were navigating in their own life journey. I often find that these connections, perhaps timed by the Universe, allow me to morph what I'm learning into my messages back to them, giving back the knowledge and wisdom I’ve been given. Allowing me to see this wisdom, yet now from a different angle. It's a beautiful exchange.

I ended up calling the dealership about the Service Advisor job availability, and I was told it was still available. I was also told I should call back on Monday to speak to the Service Manager, but I would “really need to follow up”, implying some forgetfulness as well as overwhelm that may cause unnecessary delays if I didn’t. I hung up the phone with the utmost gratitude to the operator on the line.

I sat there for a moment. Should this be it? Is this my signal?

I spent the next hour or so contemplating the decision and envisioning what it could be like. Through it, it started to make me feel excited about the opportunity, but I decided first to dive into some books I'd recently added to my reading list.

Exciting side note: I'm now immersing myself into a deep study of two topics: the ego, and navigating the connections between the world’s largest religions and belief systems. Not heavy or anything, right? 😅 But I must admit, this is me. Studying how we think and what we believe, and how it’s all interconnected is what drives me and lights me up (it’s also what was the powerful undercurrent across my career in talent acquisition, too).

My Substack Notes

If you follow my Substack Notes, you'll see frequently quotes from any books I’m currently reading, or revisiting, appearing live as I uncover them. This is part of my creative process; as powerful insights arise, I share them in real time.

Notes are sacred to me. They illustrate my unraveling, my strengthening, and my connecting. They're like sacred data points that help me understand my journey and craft connections.

Some of the powerful wisdom I’ve currently unearthed includes:

I also received a channeled message:
"What do you want to do? Follow that truth.
You don't have to do anything.
You only should do what opens your heart".

Another then, another profound reading insight:

These themes are deeply resonating as they unfold in my current life journey. And they are individually and collectively helping to architect the picture of what really is. Regardless of the noise of the debt, the decisions, and the apparent destruction, lie beautiful and straightforward truths underneath the rubble.

I’m determined to continue to discover and uncover them as each dust devil storm continues to pass through…

Celebration & Connection

I spent the rest of Saturday celebrating with my husband, considering the Service Advisor role at the dealership as a potential doorway forward. It would provide income and help consolidate the currently-unraveling debt.

Come the evening, I opened Yogananda's reflections on the Bhagavad Gita, illuminating the magical connections within all of our different life journey states:

“Krishna’s life demonstrates his philosophy that it is not necessary to flee the responsibilities of material life. The problem can be solved by bringing God here where He has placed us.
No matter what our environment may be, into the mind where God-communion reigns, Heaven must come.”

—Parmahansa Yogananda (God Talks with Arjuna: The Bhagavad Gita (Self-Realization Fellowship))

It’s so incredibly beautiful to understand how interconnected we all really are. Not only in this context of our communion with our Creator, but also in how this same connection, or perspective of this connection, is reflected across many of the world’s religions and belief systems. It’s like the same beautiful echoes keep amplifying off the canyon walls, becoming more and more robust and profoundly moving.

Reading this also in the midst of experiencing the many dust devils circulating within my current life journey experience (and in many ways, while I’m being suspended within them!) feels like a parallel I wasn’t able to make without these moments to read and seek others’ life perspectives.

By Sunday, Connection & Action

By Sunday, I was hopping into a call with a community of women I’ve been connected with since leaving my last corporate job (September 2024). And our live call offered even more insight.

While I was sharing my weekly updates, one of the ladies pulled some tarot cards (she asked to hear a collective message from all that I was sharing). Following the conclusion of my updates, she shared what she had done, and she showed us both of the cards she pulled when one additional card suddenly flew out.

Another amazing community member asked what card had just fallen out…

For me, cards, pendulums, and other tools are communication vehicles, data points that illuminate both our inner connection and the interconnection of all things.

As she read them out loud, I just kept feeling what an incredibly beautiful thing it was for her to ask for a deeper message from what I was sharing; it was almost like being in receipt of multiple levels of messages. This is what makes this community truly special.

The cards she pulled had messages that were absolutely beautiful:

(Card 1) The Nine of Pinnacles: speaking to the patient diligence that leads to a slow, yet steady journey of growth.

(Card 2) Then, The Lovers card: symbolizing inner balance and peace, representing choices, and loving yourself enough to go inward and seek your inner light. Also a reminder that it’s a time to love yourself.

(Card 3) And the card that flew out? The Judgment card, symbolizing rebirth, renewal, and restoration. A reawakening and returning to life after loss, like a fiery phoenix and to rise out of the ashes.

I am still in awe.

I internalized the overall messages: this is a time to love myself, and this time is a true catalyst for my growth. And it’s equally an opening, a beginning, an ending, and a closure.

Despite the fiery chaos, I am aligned. I could feel it deep within. And truthfully, I feel aligned. Despite the chaos, I feel centered and connected. And if you’ve been keeping up with my unfolding story, this is a gorgeously recurring theme.

Following this incredible community call, I felt energized to put together my resume and apply for the local dealership Service Advisor position. Yes, it took me almost 2 hours to craft the strategic resume that followed all of my best practices, but it felt good. When I clicked “apply”, I felt instantly grand, like I had climbed a mountain and was at the summit, looking out amongst the gorgeous landscape.

I sat there for a moment, very still. I could feel the energy was high…then…”should I apply to more jobs? Should I take a peek around and see what other Service Advisor jobs made sense for this possible redirection (yet reconnection) to my automotive industry career stint?”

Suddenly, my "Mercury drive" started to kick in, urging "more, more".

I told myself it didn’t hurt to start researching other Service Advisor jobs, and noticed there was no shortage of SA jobs available and open. I kept diving deeper, broadening the search, finding and uncovering more and more postings. And as I got closer to the city center (now about an hour drive away from my home) I equally could see the hourly rates shooting up alongside my commute time.

Then…”Wow, I could make that much being a Service Advisor?”

I started thinking about how to maximize and who else I could contact…and ended up applying for 13 more SA jobs. This continued to sweep me into it; into the momentum I was currently building was compounding…yet it didn’t seem to be enough. I then started to stumble into talent acquisition jobs, a space that I've had a lot of internal hesitation and confusion around returning to.

Yet suddenly, I began pushing myself to tailor my resume for it. Then, three hours later, and with a job application count of now up to 18, I instantly became exhausted.

I pried myself away from my computer, promising myself to ‘just take a minute’ break.

I plopped down in my recliner and felt an incredible “stuffiness” building in my lower back. I pulled my legs up underneath me, trying to sit on each side of my hips, first the left side, then the right side, to find relief. As I felt into it more, the staleness and stiffness felt like it was centered around my sacral chakra. It almost felt like it wasn’t fully blocked, but perhaps a little "semi-clogged"? At this exact moment, I knew I had pushed myself too far.

I decided to step away and do some chakra clearing and some gentle chanting to stir and clear the energy. Perhaps that would help resolve the mounting pressure I was feeling? I took a shower, hopped into some comfy jammies, and headed for the bedroom. I sat upon the bed, practicing and connecting, going inward to better understand my feelings. I did my chanting/clearing, and then ended my session with a trauma-releasing meditation. I wasn’t but 10 minutes into the meditation when I crashed. I fell hard asleep.

Hello, Monday

When I woke up, I felt amazingly renewed, but I was also deeply inquisitive. I realized my suspicion of a ‘clogged’ Sacral was very likely, as I had not felt this relief in quite a while. I also connected that this energy must have been building for a little while, and came to a ‘head’ with the push of “more, more”.

Why had I applied to all these places? Was that so quickly, absolutely necessary?
Was it what I wanted to do?
Why am I trying for all these additional Service Advisor jobs?
What truly was the driving force?
Was it excitement? Was it pressure to perform? Was it fear?

I sat for a moment of contemplation in my recliner, just observing (not judging) what started to come up.

I felt this overwhelming feeling and realization that I'm truly in the thick of even more transformation. Yes, there’s necessary action (or inspired action, as I affectionately refer to it). But there’s also equal space and a need for inquiry and checking in. It's not “easy” to be in this void (the feeling of it is oddly uncomfortable, yet wildly freeing). I know that it’s about trusting myself, but it’s also not about falling into the survival energy of "go". Coupling this with my natural tendencies as a “fighter” (in a fight-or-flight-or-flee-or-fawn, I am absolutely a fighter; I go into the fire, towards the problem) can make it more “slippery” as that fire can sweep me away with it.

I paused for a moment more, imagining myself going back and more deeply into myself, into the consciousness ocean that connects us all. Not going forward into the problem, but back into connection, into reflection, into feeling.

Not going with the ego, not going with the mind, but releasing. Unclasping the clench.

Then I heard, ‘I am on this cusp of understanding and seeking’.

I took a moment more to listen, and not a lot arose. I then decided it would be good to pull some fresh cards to better “see” and understand my whole current picture, now with job searching included. I decided I’d do that after feeding the dogs.

As I fed the dogs, I was listening to Michael Singer’s Podcast. In that episode, he asked bluntly:

“…would you still go to work (or your job) if you weren’t paid for it?”

I stopped mid-food-pour. If I were a Service Advisor, would I?

Candidly? My first thought was: the pay is the most significant part of it. And to answer the question, no, I don’t believe I would.

I wrapped up the feeding and headed to my studio.

Something within me pulled at my heart to revisit my Human Design bodygraph. I reread old explorations and notations of what the illustrated picture of my ‘Life Purpose’ and ‘Soul Purpose’ charts pointed toward. Being exceptionally curious, I thought, “Why not see what the career recommendations would be for someone with a bodygraph like me?”

My inner child laughed! Play? Yes, please!

I whipped up a quick prompt and pressed Enter. And as I watched it comb through the resources I respect greatly (including illuminations from Karen Curry Parker, Yvette Mayer, and even into the Gene Keys with Richard Rudd), what stared back at me on the screen was humbling.

My recommended career choices were:

• writer/author

• coach/mentor/spiritual guide

• therapist/counselor/healer

• public speaker/teacher

• creative entrepreneur/content creator

• researcher/thought leader/philosopher

• digital creator/podcaster/vlogger

Yikes. All of these in some capacity were currently and already in play in my life experience…and they were so by absolute love and resonance and with the utmost in excitement! But what wasn’t currently (or materially) meeting me at the table was the funds through these vehicles that would allow me to satisfy my debt, as well as support myself and my family.

I sat with it for a moment, then reflected on where I’d see the alignment for a Service Advisor in this list.

It was difficult for my analytical brain to reconcile the Service Advisor role within these categories. Possibly, depending on the circumstances, it could be a more community-based connection, being at a local dealership (which was the original Service Advisor job I had applied for). But it wasn’t aligning with the rest of the 12 jobs I had worked hours on completing applications for.

And with the 5 talent acquisition jobs I had applied to? I couldn’t make the clear connection. There wasn’t clear alignment. I could see how the after effects of my talent acquisition job could be the coach/mentor or the teacher, sharing with others what I had learned (but this is essentially my Career Clarity business). Going back into corporate recruiting again? It just wasn’t there. And feeling into it, it just felt like hot, stagnant air.

But what about what I really want to do?

Yogananda speaks of serving others, no matter where we are. He shared an extraordinary metaphor that we aren’t all meant to ‘run off into the forest’ to do spiritual exploration, as if we did, we’d need the organization and the order a city brings to those larger concentrations of people (aka the now-forest dwellers). Instead, serving where we currently are, in any given adventure, is where we’re best needed and leveraged.

It’s more than likely our egos that get us into the “make a choice” — either spiritual or secular — dichotomy. This stirred within me exploration — my curiosity, my inquiry, my seeking to understand. Yet cautious and aware to not to fall into "analysis paralysis" that feels so “natural” to the me of past evolutions.

So, here I am again, reflecting:

• Do I want to do this?

• Why do I want to do this?

I then realized the details of my current reality:

• I must meet a certain income threshold to take care of the debt. Time is of the essence.

• If I look back over my “on-paper” career, I am immediately equipped to do three primary professions (aka that are incredibly “obvious” from my resume, making them incredibly “probable” of getting a call back from a Recruiter with any application):

  • going back into talent acquisition as a recruiter

  • going back into human resources

  • going back into automotive as a Service Advisor (or Service Manager)

In that moment, all I heard was “going back”.

Truthfully, the Service Advisor role feels like the least restrictive option (which is very odd for those of you who may know a bit about the automotive industry vs. the tech and entertainment industry I was in last). Being in TA or HR functions within any organization are incredibly politically dense, requiring an absorbent amount of political savvy. I do have it, but I really don’t want to choose it any longer.

So then I asked myself what I really wanted to do, and not what I felt forced to do; it was none of those three options. I also don't want to give up being a writer and content creator.

Then, more questions begin to surface…

Can a job I end up needing to select be in harmony with writing or content creation? Or will it take too much out of me?
Is it serving me, or am I forcing myself?
What are the consequences of not getting a job? What does that picture look like?
Is there another career I can pursue that will help me secure a job?

Despite this being a very traumatic time—with debt crumbling around me, amplifying calls, and constant reminders—here I am, pondering.

Just then, my incredible husband popped into my studio. He was there to remind me that I'm currently continually entering into these “mini periods of collapsing time” and that no matter what, I should be celebrating.

And he’s right: in the past, any one of these things, scenarios, bouts of questions, or circumstances, would have taken me down and out for a while, perhaps days, weeks, or even years.

But instead, I am sitting here allowing, I am seeking to understand, I am releasing, I am letting go, and I am not clenching. I am curiously asking questions to better understand, and I am feeling and deeply aware of all the energies circulating.

As I sit here now, having applied for Service Advisor jobs and some additional talent acquisition jobs, I know that continuing to ‘blast’ my resume to every (and any) similar job often yields nothing. I also know that I can't just do something quickly to satiate the debt need without also ensuring I’m satiating myself. Otherwise, I go back to the life experience I knew when I left my last corporate job. It’s a direct path to ‘jail’ and there’s no collecting my ‘$200’.

What I do know in this very moment? I shouldn't punish myself or force a solution because I believe and have faith that the Universe has my back. That my source is my Source, not the employer or boss I could end up selecting. My Source runs through my circumstances. I also believe in my heart that the Universe may have a plan that I haven’t yet “seen” or understood. Or there may be a path forward that is yet to be discovered or uncovered.

I know that time is of the essence.

But this is me now, standing within the storm, in the void, with building and billowing faith.

The next chapter will reveal more…
💜 Lavender

Hello, sweet friend! 👋 Yearning for connection and deeper meaning?
I'm Lavender, and I have a deep passion for unearthing the wisdom woven into life's tapestry. ✨ My own Life Journey, from navigating childhood complexities to an over 20+ year corporate career with 55,000+ hours of interviewing (deeply studying humans), has honed my ability to discern human potential. Now, I share stories (past to present) that illuminate our paths, exploring resilience, transformation, purpose, and connecting with the magic within. Your deeper exploration begins here.✨

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My last Stories from My Own Life Journey post, if you’d like to wander through it:

The Blame, The Buildup, and the Breath Between (Chapter 5)

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💗✨ If the content here at Life Journey: empowered has resonated with you, if a story sparked a moment of self-discovery, or if the shared wisdom illuminated your path, I welcome your kind support. Creating this space is a heartfelt endeavor, fueled by a desire to connect and empower. Your contribution, be it the cost of a tea 🫖 or the joy of a new book 📖, directly nourishes this work and allows me to continue sharing these soulful explorations. 👇