The Gift I Never Saw Coming

How “Seek to Understand, Before Being Understood” Changed My Life 🕊️✨

This journey of embodying "Seek to Understand, Before Being Understood" was not an overnight transformation. It was a gradual unfolding, a process of shedding old habits and embracing a new way of being in the world.

On our journeys of exploration and remembering, there are a variety of ways these ‘gems’ can arrive into our consciousness.

Some pieces of advice arrive gently, like a hand on your back at just the right moment.

Others arrive wrapped in the guise of adversity. Moments where, amidst the sting of challenge, a seed of profound wisdom is planted, waiting for the right conditions to blossom.

For me, it was the latter.

The Moment I First Heard It

When I first heard this phrase, I didn’t feel inspired; I felt indignant.

It came from a former boss, in the middle of a meeting that still resides vividly in my memory.

The kind of meeting where the air is thick with tension and you can feel yourself start to disappear within it. Not because you’ve done anything wrong, but because you no longer feel safe being fully seen. You’re just trying to maintain airflow so you can hit the eject button the moment it’s over.

My boss had called me to this meeting to offer “feedback”. And a series of unchecked chunks of feedback began tumbling from her voice box. Many of which felt deeply personal.

Some of them included personal traits like how “my laugh was too loud” and I was “disruptive and disrespectful” of other people’s work environments.

Others traveled even deeper. I was told that I “knew too many things” and that I needed to understand that it was “okay to say I don’t know” (even when it wasn’t true) because it “allowed others to feel helpful”.

I humbly admit, I sat there in awe. This was the first time I had heard any of this feedback.

Yet as she continued, embedded in the middle of that uncomfortable unraveling, she dropped a phrase. Casually, as if to remind me who was in charge:

“Seek to understand, before being understood.”

My First Feelings

My initial reaction was resistance.

• It felt like a demand, an insistence that I prioritize her perspective over my own.

• It felt like she was asking me to contort myself — to shrink, to listen more and speak less.

• It felt like I must center others while uncoupling from my own truth.

• It felt like a demand that I abandon myself in order to appease the discomfort of others.

I wrote it down, as I often did, in my journal, fueled by a mix of confusion and sadness.

My journals were always a place to record the happenings of emotionally charged workdays, helping me ground myself in the facts. But even despite all the mixed feelings, I knew something had landed. I didn’t know what it meant, or like how it was delivered. But in my heart, among the energy and essence of who I was, something quietly held onto it.

Like a small, oddly shaped stone I couldn’t quite put down. The phrase lingered. It was as if I had picked up a jagged, prickly and pointed stone on a (very) rocky path.

I carried it with me, turning it over and over in my mind.

It felt foreign, uncomfortable, yet undeniably potent.

The Reminder ‘Stone’

Over time, that phrase became a touchstone. It followed me in my pocket, quietly, through the weeks and months to come.

I began to experiment, tentatively at first, with applying it to my interactions.

I started small, consciously choosing to listen more intently in conversations, to ask questions with genuine curiosity, to try and step into the other person's shoes before rushing to defend my own.

It was awkward at times. It felt counterintuitive to my ego's desire for immediate validation. But I continued to play with it. Very gently, slowly, I begin to smooth it between my fingers, evening it out, piece by piece.

I began to wonder:

What would it look like to approach conversations with more curiosity than certainty?

What would happen if I gave someone else the space to speak first — not as a strategy, but as an offering?

I noticed something remarkable: the dynamic of my interactions began to shift.

Defensiveness softened into openness. Conflict transformed into collaboration. Walls of separation crumbled as bridges of understanding were built.

I would find myself returning to it, feeling its weight in the "pocket" of my consciousness.

And as I continued to walk in and out of meeting rooms and impromptu sit-downs with colleagues (and even with my boss), I started to then see things.

Moments in conversation where I’d rush to speak before I truly listened. Times where I led with the facts, before I even knew what I was up against. Subtle instances where I realized that I wasn’t seeking to understand. I was seeking to be right, validated or protected.

Eventually, it began to hum a tune of centeredness, yet freedom.

What I had begun to discover had changed everything.

How the Phrase Became a Practice

In those early moments of trying this approach, it didn’t always feel easy.

There were many times I reminded myself — even mid-conversation — to soften. To pause. To ask a question instead of offering a counterpoint.

But every time I did, there was a shift. Then another shift. Then another.

• I was watching my defensiveness melt.

• I was watching people open.

• And more than anything — I noticed that I felt more grounded. I was much less reactive or “immediately responsive” and in turn, much more present.

Especially in my work (where I invested decades as a Corporate & Tech Recruiter, and tens of thousands of hours interviewing), I was constantly navigating the complex layers of communication.

This principle became like gold.

I remember how different it felt to sit with a hiring leader and sincerely ask, “Tell me what you see in this candidate. What are your hopes? What are your concerns?” — instead of jumping in with my own perspective or takeaways first.

That small shift created trust and made room for shared insight. It also empowered me see the full picture and not just the one I’d been carrying in my own mind.

It reminds me of something Earl Nightingale once shared:

“Success is not the result of making money; earning money is the result of success — and success is in direct proportion to our service. Most people have this law backwards. It’s like the man who stands in front of the stove and says to it: ‘Give me heat and then I’ll add the wood.’”

The Universe truly asks us, invites us, to go first. To offer the wood — which is like bringing the presence, the curiosity, and the compassion — into our conversations.

And then — often gently and without fanfare…the heat arrives.

The Unexpected Power of Openness

This practice has enriched my life in ways I could never have imagined.

I attribute the success of my career to this one approach: Seeing the human first, and being genuinely curious about their perspective.

I centered myself in the fertile ground of curiosity. It became an adventure — exploring someone else’s Animal Crossing island or Minecraft realms 🎮 (for all you gamers out there).

It bestowed upon me the gift of profound respect. Individuals felt acknowledged, validated, and they felt heard and seen.

As now, their inner landscapes honored.

And in this sacred exchange, I not only gained profound insights into the vast spectrum of the human experience, but I also embarked on a transformative pilgrimage into the heart my own being.

Their beliefs, their perspectives, became mirrors reflecting the hidden contours of my own, offering me the opportunity to engage in a regular practice of 'spring cleaning' the chambers of my soul, a ritual most of us are rarely invited to undertake.

And now, these opportunities ensured I had a regular practice of doing so.

One of the most surprising ‘perks’? I walked away from those conversations with more than I came into them with. And it helped me build relationships that I truly believe could not have been built without it.

One of the most unexpected ‘perks’? By being centered and grounded in this, I was no longer swept up or ‘taken away’ by the (or into the) emotions of my own ego coming up to “protect me”. I remained centered within the luminous core of my being.

Through my dedicated practice, I also began to cultivate a true excitement to talk to others about what was most exciting to them! Learning and listening to what illuminated the light within them.

I was now opening to all of the possibilities. And because if it, it seeped into every other facet of my life.

From Philosophy to Soul Practice

This wasn’t just a career strategy. It became a way of being.

It made its way into my relationships and even into how I led conversations at dinner parties. How I diffused moments of miscommunication with friends or family, and even how I showed up in times of personal doubt.

It became a quiet anchor — reminding me that understanding isn’t something we demand. It’s something we create through intentional space and listening.

Over time, I realized something even more profound:
In seeking to understand others, I was learning how to better understand myself.

Their words became mirrors. Their beliefs helped illuminate my own. Their perspectives gave me a chance to examine where I still held tightly to mine, and have space to lean into understanding the why.

This is why I call it a soul practice.

Because it’s not just about connection with others. It’s about coming into deeper harmony with your own inner landscape.

A Unifying Force

Standing in my now, I realize this alchemical journey, born from a borrowed phrase and a challenging encounter, resonates with the timeless wisdom of The Untethered Soul:

“If you really want to grow, you have to do the opposite. Real spiritual growth happens when there is only one of you inside. There’s not a part that’s scared and another part that’s protecting the part that’s scared. All parts are unified.”

This practice has helped unify me.

It has expanded my capacity for compassion,
deepened my connection with others,
and even, surprisingly, become the cornerstone of my professional success.

It also helped me ‘meet’ the parts of myself that had once felt the desperate need to speak first. The parts of me that were easily “swept” into feelings of anger, frustration, or shock. Those parts that needed to prove something, to people please, or to protect myself (from everything, and anything, all at once).

I was now centered within me.

This transformative power of understanding has the ability to transmute the lead of conflict into the gold of connection.

I believe that by creating a sanctuary where diverse perspectives are not merely tolerated but celebrated, where open dialogue becomes a sacred practice, we can collectively step beyond the limitations of our individual realities and awaken to the boundless potential of our shared humanity.

It required patience, humility, and a willingness to step outside the comfort zone of my ego. But the rewards have been immeasurable.

I’ve remembered that there’s truly more power in presence than in persuasion.

My Invitation for You

I am now holding this phrase not as a wound, but as a gift. It has truly become a doorway into something beautifully scared.

And now, I offer it to you.

🌿 What is one piece of advice you once resisted… but now carry like a treasure?
🌿 What is something that arrived before you were ready — but has stayed long enough to become part of your own transformation?

If you feel called, I’d love for you to share it in the comments. Not just for me — but for the others who will be walking through this space beside you.

Your story might become someone else’s seed of change.

I am honored that you are here with me.

We are all remembering.
And sometimes, the greatest gifts are the ones we never saw coming.✨

Namaste,
💜 Lavender

Hello, sweet friend! 👋 Yearning for connection and deeper meaning?
I'm Lavender, and I have a deep passion for unearthing the wisdom woven into life's tapestry. ✨ My own Life Journey, from navigating childhood complexities to a 20+ year corporate career with 55,000+ hours of interviewing (deeply studying humans), has honed my ability to discern human potential. Now, I share stories (past to present) that illuminate our paths, exploring resilience, transformation, purpose, and connecting with the magic within. Your deeper exploration begins here.✨

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My last Stories from My Own Life Journey post, if you’d like to wander through it:

1 Year Ago | Unveiling the Mirror: A Story of Seeing and Being Seen

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💗✨ If the content here at Life Journey: empowered has resonated with you, if a story sparked a moment of self-discovery, or if the shared wisdom illuminated your path, I welcome your kind support. Creating this space is a heartfelt endeavor, fueled by a desire to connect and empower. Your contribution, be it the cost of a tea 🫖 or the joy of a new book 📖, directly nourishes this work and allows me to continue sharing these soulful explorations. 👇